We are NEVER ever ever getting back together.....

Ok folks, so with recent events being what they are, I thought it was appropriate to title this post after Taylor Swift's new song (although it's one of her worst songs in my opinion)....

Let me enlighten you on what has happened in the last week or so:

Do you remember Andy, the Bamboo Butterfly Platform shoes? Well, I never really got around to telling you the full story on why I stopped talking to him. See, we used to get together on and off in high school when neither one of us was dating anyone and when one of us was dating someone, the other wanted to be in a relationship....it was always bad timing! When I got to college, Andy and I used to talk a lot  my freshman year, but then things started to die down as I started dating people and he went into the Marines. We were still friends though, we just didn't talk as frequently as we used to. Then I found out secondhand, through a mutual friend of ours, that Andy was engaged my sophmore year. I'll never forget that night, because I cried myself to sleep....he was my first love and I had always thought we'd end up together....me and my romantic stupor....just plain dumb!

Anyway, I called Andy to confirm what I was told and well, yes it was true. From then on things changed for me. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I tried very hard to be friends with Andy, but it just hurt too much. And then after he lied to me about having a kid and told me that he was still in love with me....well, every ounce of friendship we did have went down the drain. I told him that he was emotionally cheating on his wife and that I couldn't talk to him anymore because it brought back too  many old memories and feelings. I just couldn't be friends with him. And that's how I ended my very long relationship with Andy.

So getting back to the present, I check my school email last week, only to be surprised by an email from Andy. Now, keep in mind, he and I haven't seen each other since senior year of high school or maybe the beginning of my freshman year of college, we haven't done anything physically since high school, he has been married for at least 7 years, and he has two children now.

This is what he wrote:

Hey,

  I know that this comes off as probably the single most creepy thing in the world right now but I have been contemplating on emailing you and somehow getting in touch with you for a while now. I know that I have hurt you immensely and I think that I am beginning to understand the pain you felt. I am not trying to bring up sore subjects and I apologize for this. I do not know what is going on right now but I feel that I need to do this. I am sure that you are very happy and content with your life and how is has turned out. I do not even know if any of this makes sense. I think that I may have a lot of time on my hands while sitting in Afghanistan or it could be that I am just messed up. I wish that you would at least let me know what you think...I have a strong feeling that you hate me and I don't blame you if you do. I guess when it comes down to it I really don't know what I am trying to say here other than I am sorry and I hope that this finds you in good sprits and health. I hope I am not freaking you out by this and if I am I apologize. If you want please email me back even if it's..."you are a fucking creep leave me alone!" If not that is alright I guess. I hope you are doing well...

Andy

You can guess, I didn't write him back! First of all, he's married. Second of all, no this is just weird. But I did feel a little bit bad, because he sounds really really desperate....like something's not going right for him. Maybe it's because he's on his 5th tour to Afghanistan and is still what people consider a "grunt." Idk...but his email sounded so bad. I actually called the friend of ours who's also in the Marines and told him to please check up on him. But as for me, it's best for me to not get involved.

So then this week, I'm happily facebook stalking people ;)  when I look at my friend request box. Who is is, but Scuzzy! Remember him....the guy I lost my virginity to who I thought I loved, but in retrospect it was really lust, never love....

What is it with exes? It's like they can smell when you are happy and they just want to ruin it! lol. I mean, here I am, content and everything, and BAM within a span of two weeks I have two different exes trying to make contact with me....really?  There's a reason that you are an ex!!

And so, to end this post, I again quote Taylor Swift's horrible song:

 We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

I used to think that we were forever ever
And I used to say, "Never say never..."
Huh, so he calls me up and he's like, "I still love you,"
And I'm like... "I just... I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
We are never getting back together. Like, ever"

No!, We are NEVER ever ever ever getting back together!

Until Next Time,

Reaching for Reefs 

Losing faith in monogamy...one friend at a time

What is it about people that makes them cheat? Why don't they just break it off when they get a feeling that things aren't right or they are bored or they are just lusting after someone else they can't seem to stay away from?

In the last 2 months, I've found out two of my good friends from home (let's call them Sam and Scott) have cheated on people. Now Sam, he was in a long distance relationship with this girl and to be quite honest, I don't like her very much and didn't see it going anywhere; however, I also don't condone being unfaithful when you have made a commitment to someone, even if it's just girlfriend-boyfriend status! I know in the past I have cheated once and I've already explained the circumstances; however, I do not justify it or feel good about it to this day. Anyway, getting back to Sam and his predicament....after a while, he started to realize it was going south...that there was no potential there and that she was a Debbie Downer. She complained about everything that went wrong in her life and yet did nothing to change it (I hate those kind of people by the way....as my dad says, "There are 3 things you can do about it: fix it, deal with it, or leave/get out of it." She also was horribly ungrateful for some of the things that Sam did for her. So a while after these feelings emerged, he was in town and decided to live it up with his buddy here in South Florida. I guess one night he hit it off big with these girls and the next thing you know he's slept with them. He tells me this and also explains that he's breaking up with his girlfriend when he gets back in town, because he didn't want to have to deal with the consequences on his trip....that she would be upset and that her reaction would ultimately ruin his trip. First off, if you know things aren't going well, BREAK UP WITH THEM! Second of all, how selfish to only be thinking about how it would affect him and not her. Of course, he probably didn't tell her he cheated on her, which is probably a good thing, because no one likes to know that someone else satisfied their significant other, whether it be physically or emotionally, more than they did themselves. Again, let me reiterate, I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING; however, at least in this case it was just a girl friend.

Moving on to Scott....I've been trying to contact him for quite some time now...to catch up, but I'm not going to lie, while Facebook stalking, I noticed that both the statuses of him and his "fiance" changed. Finally, Scott got back to me a few nights ago and this is what he told me: He and his fiance got engaged around the beginning of April, after dating for over a year and living together for at least 6 months (I believe). They, being so excited I guess, decided they didn't want to wait and secretly got legally married a month later. Now, here's where things go to shit.....see I met his ex-wife I guess I should call her, although the divorce isn't finalized yet...and she was a sweet, fun loving girl! I really really liked her....actually at first I hated the thought of her/was jealous of her, because a long long time ago I had thought it would be nice if Scott and I dated, but that never happened for several reasons. Anyway, once I met her I was like 'Wow she is really awesome! They have the same quirks! They really make a great couple!' Bitterness and jealousy gone instantly! But Scott said that as soon as he stepped out of the courthouse, it was like a huge anvil had been dropped on his stomach....He had this horribly bad feeling in the pit of his stomach and all the doubts he had had about her or ignored about her started to set in. Now, let me interject here....this is when I would have started thinking....should I have done this? Why did I rush into this? And then I may have acted on them...tried to come up with a plan.

Apparently he felt trapped and was thinking some of these things, but didn't act on them. Things started to get routine: they would eat dinner, watch tv, and then go to bed without really talking and the night of their 2 year anniversary (of dating) they went out to dinner and Scott said it was the most awkward date of his life....no one talked, they just picked at their food. Ok, so here's red flag number 2....if you are seeing this pattern, maybe you should start thinking about if things are going to work out and maybe doing something about it. I guess the weekend after they got legally married, he had a business trip to NY where he met this bartender. As soon as he walked in the door he said he grabbed his friend and said, "I have to talk to her." By the end of the night he had walked the bartender back to her car and kissed her (RED FLAG 3...BREAK IT OFF WITH YOUR WIFE DUDE). But it didn't end there, he went back to the bar his second night in town and got her phone number and they texted every day after that, even when he got back home. So I guess, he and his "wife" started talking and sharing their feelings about how things had changed and tried working on it (although, I don't know how much "working on your relationship" you can get done when you are still texting the bartender you met in NY the weekend after you got married). Eventually his "wife" moved out, because she said she couldn't take being there anymore....it reminded her of too many good memories they had. Scott continued to see the bartender when he went to NY or she traveled to see him or they met half way. His "wife" finally got wind of what was going down, because she found something on twitter and wrote the bartender. She made Scott confess to her on the phone and later to her face. Scott finally fessed up to the bartender about everything and the bartender told him she was never going to talk to him again, but then that night called him saying that she needed to talk to him and he better never lie or omit anything to her again or they were done (What a stupid bitch btw! Ok, I get you didn't know at first that he was married....that part is really his fault.... but then after you find out you are the other woman and were semi part of the reason that things didn't work out...why would you go back to him? Why would you not feel guilty enough to stop what had been going on? What do you think he will probably do to you? You are a STUPID woman....a stupid semi-homewrecker! Where is your self respect? Where are your morals and values? What are you doing with your life?!!!). So to sum it all up, two hearts were broken and he doesn't really know what he wants! And even though he says he's shed many tears about it and regrets it and blah blah blah....he still walked away with the bartender! WTF DUDE....honestly, and I know this may be mean to say because I'm his friend and all, but I think he should be sitting in his room, balling his eyes out and miserable, feeling like he will never be loved again!!!!

What the hell is wrong with guys? Why don't they only act when they know what they want? Ironic part is, this isn't Scott's first engagement (although no one in our group of friends knows that except for me)! Um, do you see a slight pattern buddy?!!!

It's just very disgusting and upsetting to me. Here I am, thinking that these two guy friends of mine are stand up guys....people you can trust, people who have morals...and sure we all make mistakes, but still...my friends? These guys I grew up with since middle school who have been amazing friends to me...why, how, where did this come from? And to be honest Sam's unfaithfulness bothers me less than Scott's, BECAUSE SCOTT WAS MARRIED!!! MARRIED!!!! That's like a WHOLE other level of cheating....Right up at the top.

It makes me worried....scared...to even think about getting engaged again and married. Scared to trust men, scared to have faith in men. It makes me think, "How could that NOT happen to me, if my good guy friends have done it?" and it makes me think back to my relationship with Roberto and how traumatized I was by our break up and we weren't even engaged! What must Scott's ex-wife be feeling? How has she not curled up in a ball and rotted in her room, because her heart is so broken? They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but how much can one person go through before it's too much?

What is wrong with people now-a-days?! Why does almost no one take marriage seriously?!!! Why didn't you try relationship counseling...why couldn't you have decided to be separated and go through a divorce before you started hooking up with someone? WHY CAN'T YOU HAVE SOME DISCIPLINE AND SELF CONTROL (LIKE THE MILITARY IS SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU) AND KEPT IT IN YOUR PANTS UNTIL THINGS WERE OVER?!!!!!!!!!!  And he walks away with the damn girl....Just la la la...look what I got away with and now I have this other SHINY NEW PIECE OF ASS that I can focus on and get over everything else with! Errrr....I'm angry and scared for all the women out there!


God, let's hope that my two good girl friends who are married and in happy relationships stay that way and that that's the way I end up, because I swear to God, if I get married and my husband cheats on me I'm literally going to CHOP HIS BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO HIM!!!

Well, that's all for now....comment if you got something!

Until Next Time,
Reaching for Reefs

Sabbatical?!!

Well hello all! It has been a while....I guess I let myself go on a slight sabbatical!

So let me catch all you precious readers up with what's going on....

I believe the last time I wrote it was around January and I was either still at home, or just getting back from home. At that point in time I had decided to join Match.com and try it out for a month. That's when I met The Pilot. I don't think I was on Match for more than a week before he messaged me. I'm not going to lie, I got pretty excited at first,  because he looked a little like my most current ex (at least from his profile photo. I don't really think so anymore). Also, I saw that he loved the water and had a Master's degree from Embry Riddle! I was in!

So The Pilot and I talked for a couple weeks and finally met up for drinks at a small bar across from my old apartment. It was funny, because before he walked in, "Don't Stop Believing" came on. I found it quite coincidental, seeing as I had made the catch phrase on my profile on Match.com: "Just a Small town girl livin' in a lonely world." After a few drinks and getting to know each other a little bit, we went for a walk on the beach. And being a good girl, I ended the date at 10pm without a kiss or anything. The second time went out, The Pilot picked me up and we went to this cute Italian restaurant on the beach. Honestly, it's been so long, I can't really remember all of the details. One date led to another and after dating casually for a month, we finally made our relationship official. So that's one new thing to tell you guys!

Also, I had a wonderful birthday this year....and by wonderful I mean it started out great and ended nightmarishly (yes, I just made that up)! A group of friends and I went out to this great beer brewery which was fun on Friday to start my birthday weekend off. My parents came in the next day! Unfortunately Sunday is when my birthday started to go downhill....that's the day I found out my shower was leaking into my closet and my $80 pair of boots were RUINED! I was so PISSED! I had only gotten to wear them for a few months...and only a few times out of those months, because you all know how God awful the heat is in FL! That night, I had a nice birthday dinner with the parents and we planned on going Mountain Biking in North Miami the following day.

Monday rolls around and we head out to some mountain biking trails. We had a fairly good day....biking all around the park, taking my parents on the novice trails, because I don't think either one of them could have made it through an intermediate...Hell, I barely can! We had been out for about 4 or 5 hours and were heading back to the car, when I notice that my front driver's side window is smashed! 'What the hell?!' I think to myself. I go to the car, open up the door, making more shattered glass fall on the floor, and examine the inside of the car. Nothing's our of order there, nothing's gone. I make sure not to leave valuables in the open....wouldn't want to tempt anyone. Then it clicks...I need to check the trunk! That's where my mom and I left our purses! Bingo....was my thought process right on, because as soon as I pop the trunk I notice the absence of both of our purses. At this point I'm in shock and my Dad had gone to get my mom to tell her something was wrong. She thought that he meant I had fallen and hurt myself.

Thee both come back and I am MAD AS HELL! We get the bicycle rental people to call the park rangers and have them come over. I'm getting angrier by the minute thinking about how I just got a new iphone 2 months ago and it's been stolen, let alone my eye glasses, checkbook, debit card, etc. But I really felt bad for my mom....she had all that....credit cards, whatnot. But that was fine....those can be cancelled, those are replaceable! But what wasn't was her engagement and wedding rings, which she had taken off and stowed in her purse! 30 years of memories...30 years that they symbolize...gone!

We had to call the police, fill out police reports, deactivate everything. It was a disaster! And to think, the next day I was going to take them to that same park to go kayaking....not anymore!

So that's how my birthday and the day after went....at least The Pilot bought me pink roses for Valentine's Day, a candle and Patriots license plate for my birthday.....but still, it was horrible!

The bad news didn't stop there though:
My shower leak was still not fixed after two weeks, so I found a new place and moved out. A place further North....away from Miami and all those scumbags! Apparently this has been happening a lot lately in Florida all the way from Jacksonville to Miami.....they think it's a group of at least 25 people who make stops at parks close to I-95 where they know people will be away for several hours. There's not doubt in my mind that we were being watched that day! I can't wait til Karma gets them...it's just a matter of time before they get caught and when they do...I wish HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE things on them!

Anyway...I moved. And on top of everything else....a month later I found out I had Identity Fraud. Great!

Moving on! Sea turtle season started in March! I'm always excited for that! I love being out on the ATV in the morning with wind whipping through  my hair, the smell of salt in the air, chasing the ocean.....roping off nests, and soon I'll be finding hatchlings!!!

This year, so far, I have accomplished starting to mountain bike, taking surf lessons, bought a guitar and I am still taking lessons for that....hmm...OH I FORGOT! I went skydiving the weekend before my birthday with a friend!!! OMG...It was amazing....I was scared shitless, but as the small plane started to ascend, the higher I got, the calmer I felt. I don't know why, but I guess I just let myself give in to the fact that it was really happening! I had a great experience and I would definitely do it again! I actually think the plane ride was the scariest part!

You've also missed my Grad school melt-down after finding out my third set of primers for my project (and now fourth) don't work. I really hate my advisor and I'm starting to hate my project. My advisor is such a flake and the advice he gives always sends me on a wild goose chase. So this last time when I re-designed my primers, I used outside resources...a post-doc I know, her friend, papers (always papers), etc. No use....they still didn't work! So I'm going to confide in you about my plan!:

I have decided that if my primers didn't work this fourth time (which they haven't and my primers....they are what I need to even get data when I do PCRs/qPCR. If I don't have them, I don't have anything!!), then I am going to ask my advisor to switch from a thesis to a capstone.  See, my grad program gives you two options....you can either do a thesis, which is a big experiment and paper, where you present YOUR results, etc. Whereas, a capstone is like one huge scientific review paper, where you are presenting OTHER people's data and using it to prove your scientific argument/back up what your topic is about.
So yes, on Friday, I will be asking him to switch from a thesis to a capstone, because I only have a year left on the grant that pays my tuition, and when that runs out, I definitely DO NOT have the funds to be paying for school by myself.

I would only need 2 more classes (which I can bang out in one semester) and 2 semesters of capstone credits, so I could hypothetically be out of here by March! The good thing about a capstone is, it's not based on if you get data or not, like a thesis, so you can have a finite schedule....you can actually get out when you want!

Some of my lab mates seem to think that my advisor will say no to this option. I know he will be mad....and his initial reaction may be no, but I hope he will come around, because in the end it's about the student. And for him, it's about having a successful student. I think that my capstone idea is publishable....I was thinking of doing a review on quantitative methods for bacteria....the different qPCR methods, FISH, etc. Scientific review papers are seen all the time in journals, so why not my idea?! I'm going to approach my advisor by telling him that at first I really did want to go down the thesis track, but after 4 tries creating primers and a year working on it, I just don't think it's going very well. I'm going to tell him that I think it would be advantageous/in OUR best interest to switch to a capstone....for financial reasons and in order for him to have yet another successful student. I think that sounds fair.

If my advisor does say no, it would take way too long to try to start another capstone with someone else. To come up with an idea, have them accept me as their student, etc. So, let's hope that doesn't happen, because if it does....my plan is just to "fake it til I make it" sort of.....just fake like I'm still doing a thesis, like I'm still on the right track, until I hear back from one of the, at this point, 15 jobs I've applied for. Once I get a full-time job with benefits, I will be leaving. Again, this is my last resort.

So, I think that about catches you all up on what's been going on in my life. Just taking it a day at a time!

Hope you all have fared much better than I have up til now!!

Until Next Time,
Reaching for Reefs

Channeling my Inner Bitch

That's right ladies..I said it! I'm channeling my Inner Bitch...I'm not talking about that abrasive, crazy, cold-hearted woman you hate at work, I'm talking about a Babe In Total Control of Herself!! I'm talking about the New and Improved Bitch that  Sherry Argov writes about in her book Why Men LOVE Bitches (see below)!!

Bitch (noun): A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion--be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards--only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.

You see, lately, a few friends of mine have been reading these guides to dating and I guess, in a way, self-empowerment books. The one I've mentioned above, as well as Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter. So I thought to myself, What the hell...I'll read them too! They sound interesting!

Now I think I'm a pretty confident and knowledgeable person when it comes to dating, but I actually learned quite a lot from these books and I would advise any woman, whether single, dating, or married to read them, because I think that they are definitely useful!

I had a lot of "Aha!" moments while reading these books and I realized there are some things I need to work on when it comes to being in a relationship:

1. I need to keep my humorous side. I think as I get more involved in a relationship, I lose that humor...I start taking things that my partner says too personally and instead of laughing them off, like a bitch/confident woman would do, I take them to heart and maybe complain about them. In both books, they say that banter is good and that humor keeps the spark alive. Also, humor is a great way to get a point across, without seeming like you are nagging. For instance, if a man behaves a way you don't like, you could say something like: "I'll let that one slide this time..." in a joking way. It's so true that "More truth is said in jest."

2. Having a separate life/not losing yourself: You should continue to do the things that made you happy when you were single, not give them up for your partner. You should go have your girls nights, or continue with guitar lessons, or have a knitting night, etc. Whatever you like do to....Having interests you are passionate about in your life, even if your partner isn't into the same things, will allow you to keep your confidence and keep you happy. When you are happy, he will be happy. And by having all these things in your life, you will be viewed as an independent and strong woman. You need to be able to have an indifferent attitude: I can live with or without him.

To be honest, I have been getting better at this. But I know in past relationships, for instance, with Asshole, that I lost myself and I gave up my friends and the things I liked to do for him. This will never happen again!

3. Don't be predictable and don't always be available: Don't always pick up the phone when he calls. Don't cancel your plans for him or go on last minute dates with him all the time. When you are always available and predictable that is when things get monotonous. Let him wonder what you are doing and why it's taking you longer than usual to respond.

4. Talk his language...Keep it Sweet, Short, and to the point and be as level headed as possible, because once you get too emotional, they start to think of you as being "dramatic." Just like the acronym KISS--Keep It Simple Stupid!

5. When you aren't with him, STOP thinking about him all the time/obsessing. Obviously, this can be a hard one! I know it is for me! But here is how Sherry suggests doing this in her book:

• Whenever you think about him, STOP.
• Consciously replace the thought of him with another thought or activity that is a feel-good thought or activity.
• The key is to distract yourself, immediately!
• Do this repeatedly, each time he pops in your head.
• Get creative. Immediately turn on your favorite show, eat your favorite meal/snack, go to the gym, go for a walk, etc
• Each and every time you think of him, without exception, stop the worry and pain and force yourself to experience the opposite. Do something that feels good!

6. And last, but not least, I learned (well kind of already knew this, but...)...do not have sex with him right away if you are looking for something long term. As Christian wrote, guys' biggest secret is that they will wait for sex!! Both books suggest waiting a month or more and obviously not letting the guy know your plan! It's a strategy to use against the "enemy"...to gain more information about if you really want to be with this person, if they are relationship material, etc before you give away your BIGGEST POWER CARD! Wait Wait Wait as long as you can.....

DAMN IT...I'm going to have to work on this one! I'm not saying that I sleep with everyone...I definitely don't. And I definitely don't sleep with people after the first date.....but when the temptation is present sometimes I cave and I'm going to have to try to control myself more! And men (let me correct myself here...MOST men) will tell you anything you want to hear to get you in bed (as if we didn't know this)....so really it's about self control and how much I really want a guy to respect and like my intellectual side...the side that will keep him around long term. As Christian says: You want him to be "Intellectually Attracted" to you and not just physically. Christian says to do this, you have to ask him deep questions in a joking/casual way. Like "What's the one quality you haven't found in a woman yet?" while smiling and laughing (not so serious).

Anyway, just some things these books reiterated for me and some things I learned! I'll definitely be working on this. I have two dates this weekend and man am I gonna use this material to help me perfect the way I talk and respond to guys!

Thought I would share these, just in case any of you followers were interested! Now go and channel your Inner Bitch...I dare ya!! :)

Until Next Time,
Reaching for Reefs