It's been a long long time friends....a long long time! But OMG I'm back! :)
So, let me update you on some recent events:
Let's skip Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (where I was deathly ill with the flu and strep throat)....let's even skip my birthday (which went very well compared to last year! I did Pin Up Photos for my bday this year...they came out sooooo cute!)....
Let's talk about what's been happening in March!
So, back in February (the 21st), the pilot and I had our 1 year anniversary. I was pretty disappointed with the outcome, because all I got was a home grilled dinner and some homemade margaritas....mind you, it was nice, but it was something that we had done several times. There weren't even candles, so you could see how I was disappointed! Especially since I had taken the time to plan 3 things for him! I bought him some UM stuff, because he's a huge Canes fan. I had went to a dance workshop at my pole fitness studio...
Oh yea! Did I tell you I've been taking pole fitness classes?!!! Since December! It has been so fun....I can climb up to the top now and have been working on poses like the horizontal, the swan, the embrace, etc. Don't know what these are...Look them up! So cool!!!
Anyway, I went to a dance workshop and even preformed a dance at home for him. I also bought this deal for a couple's massage and facial (which we still have yet to use because our schedule's haven't been ideal). And yet, nothing from his end.
Moving on.... I had been having a debate in my head for a few months about "Do I love him or am I confused." Well, in the last month or so, I'd had some strong feelings and my subconcious was giving me all sorts of clues...dreams about saying I love you to hime, dreams about him picking out the wrong engagement ring and having to go back and exchange it. That's it....it's a sign...I do love him. Ok, I know this now, but was still afraid to admit it, seeing as I didn't want to put myself out there again and be vulnerable. And you all know my past, so you would know why this is the case.
So finally things came to a head....I had figured out that I loved him, but what about him? How did he feel?
A few nights ago, while lying in bed, I finally got up the courage to ask what I had wanted to ask for a while, that dreadful conversation that we all have to have in a relationship at some point in time, but put off, because it could end badly...."Where do you see this relationship going?"
I was taken aback, because the Pilot's first response was about monetary and career issues....'Whoa Whoa Whoa' I thought....that is SO not what I was talking about. I told this to him. I said, I meant our relationship....did we have a future together. So I asked him three simple questions:
Do you see me in your future, Have you thought about saying I love you, and Do you love me? Now, to the first two questions he said yes. To the last, he said "I don't know."
Wait, now you are telling me we've gone out for a year, a month, and some change and you don't know? Ok, hold on, I must admit, I had been confused for a while....I had been cautious, for emotional reasons. So I asked him....'Well, why don't you know or what's holding you back' and again he talked about how he didn't have the money to give me what I wanted and then he brought up careers again; "What if I get a job in NC or something..." Now hold the phone, how could he be making decisions about how he feels about me based on money and career choices.....especially career choices that are hypothetical. They haven't even came up yet! As my dad always says, "You can only make educated decisions based on all the facts you have at hand. You look at everything you have now and make your decision."
So what was this really all about?
It made me upset and disturbed. He told me he was being cautious and he wanted to make sure I was the one, but his cautiousness wasn't emotional....it wasn't because of what had happened in a past relationship...it was based on material things.
This is when I started to feel like our relationship had turned into one of convenience. If we look at what's happened in the past, you'll get what I'm saying now.
Just back at the end of January/beginning of February I had renewed my lease and when I told the Pilot that, he looked at me surprised. I don't know why, because it's not like we had sat down and talked about moving in together. He said "Well, would my apartment have enough room for your stuff and your cats" and I said 'First of all, we haven't even said I love you to each other, so the issue is really mute. And second of all, no, there would not be enough room to wait until your lease is up in July and move. We'd need a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom at least."
Between that and the fact that he had stopped holding my hand, he had stopped buying me flowers for now reason, and the fact that I had discussed several issues with him and yet nothing had changed....I had discussed things like keeping his apartment clean (it was like I was walking in a mine field every time I went over...tripping over tubing for our aquarium, tripping over tools, tripping over his dirty clothes, etc), I had discussed issues about things that could be better for us in the bedroom...him dressing up for me, him being more aggressive, him having lube at his house just in case we needed it (I'd asked him this at least 4 times and did he get it...did it change? No! He was so selfish when it came to matters of the bedroom for months now).
Anyway, I had the feeling that it was just a relationship out of convenience. He said, the other night while having this conversation, that he liked spending time with me, that he "cared a lot for me," and that he felt comfortable with me, but in my mind, there was still that lack of emotional connection and commitment.
So, of course being the emotional person that I am, I cried that night. I went into the bathroom...I cried, I blew my nose, I picked the pimples on my face for probably a good 20 minutes (I do that either when I see a big zit I just can't stand, I'm bored, or I'm aggravated....guess which one I was...). He knocked on the door....I let him in. I told him I just needed him to be honest. I told him that I didn't want him wasting my time, so when he figured out if he loved me or where this was going or not going, he needed to let me know asap. I'm not doing it! I've wasted time before and I won't do it again!
The next day, I was a mess. I kept having to shut my office door at work (Oh yea...another thing, I got a full time job! I'm a volunteer coordinator now!) because I couldn't control my crying. I broke down in front of my boss once...I was so embarrassed, but she understood and gave me a hug. I decided that night I needed some time to think (with the help of my lovely friend, Sara, who always gives the best advice), so I got an hour and half hot stone massage, ordered some Thai food, and drank some wine and cuddled with my cats, which always seems to cheer me up. I made a decision...I always feel better when I have a Game Plan...My decision was that I was going to admit that I loved him, tell the Pilot that I saw him in my future (moving in together, eventually getting engaged and married) and also tell him everything that's been on my mind and been bugging me...
So, last night I did just that. I told him about the selfishness in the bedroom, I told him about how I felt unappreciated, I told him about everything. I told him how I felt that this had become a relationship out of convenience for him and I asked him why he had thought about us moving in together if he had felt a lack of a connection for a month or two, as he had said.
He said that he thought if we moved in together, we'd finally "gel" and that it would also help us both save on bills. Aha! There's lies the true answer to my question, there lies the confirmation to my feelings....Convenience! It was convenient for him..he was having a hard time paying his bills and us living together would have meant that I'd be there all the time (no gas money or time wasted driving to my place or back to his) and that bills would be split in half!
Well, I told him that things that are convenient and easy aren't always the right things....and in this case, definitely so. Just imagine if we moved in, things had gotten worse, we broke up....how awkward! On top of that...what if one of us started dating again and bringing another person into the apartment...no thank you!
So, conclusion to this whole situation is that now we are "On a Break"....whatever the fuck that means! Listen, I've never done this before....it's either been stay together or break the fuck up. So this is something new, so we set ground rules: Only texting and calling each other, only seeing each other for coffee every once in a while, no dinners because it's like we go back to what we used to be, no physical contact, and no dating other people.
But honestly, in my mind, I'm telling myself it's over. I won't be giving him more than a month to think about this.....but really, my mindset is, if he doesn't know if he loves me by now, will he really know in a month's time? I don't think so.
To me being "On a Break" is just the path to breaking up....it's the nice way of saying, "I'll pretend like I'm thinking about what you said, but really I won't change my mind." To me being "On a Break" is Breaking Up.
So now it's time for me to focus on other things....finishing my capstone, continuing to exercise (I've lost 10 pounds so far), friends and family.
Bottom line ladies: Trust your gut instincts. Honestly, they've always pointed me in the right direction. I've been told by the Pilot and other people that I over analyze....well maybe it's not that....maybe I just know how to read myself and situations! A woman's intuition is nothing to be messed with! So trust your gut girl!
That's pretty much caught you up with the last 6 months of my life....not much has changed past that.
Love you friends!! <3
Until Next Time,
Reaching for Reefs
P.S. I'm blonde AND have bangs now! I haven't rocked the bangs since 1994! Get it!!! :)
