This post is going to be very hard for me...very heavy...a story that I have dreaded telling others in the past. One that brings tears to my eyes to this day. Unlike my other posts, I feel this one will not be so light-hearted. I just wanted to warn you, before you started to read it....
The guy I'm going to introduce next...well, you have already read about him. He's the guy from the party. I will be referring to him as the asshole, because he doesn't deserved to be given a real name...I don't want to think about his name, I don't want to see his name, and I don't want to ever mention his name again....
As described before, our romance started out very passionately....It was one of those fiery, red hot, only-read-about-in-romance-novels type of "love." It was like the passionate love shared between Romeo and Juliet...it was intense and foolish.... you were sucked into it like a moth being attracted to a flame. He made me feel wanted and needed...he made me feel special. At first he seemed to be this amazing guy. He wanted to talk to me all the time on the phone, he wanted to spend all his free time with me...his family loved me, and we just had a really good time. I would go up to his place on the weekends...spend every moment with him, whether it was watching football or doing homework.
The first 3 months of our relationship were great, or so I thought at the time. They were what I would call now the "Honeymoon phase"...you know...the phase where you are kind of infatuated with one another, excited by every little thing you learn about each other, but also the phase where you still don't quite show the person who you really are (maybe on purpose or maybe just subconciously)....you keep small little secrets to yourself or you don't always express your opinion about specific things, because you don't want to offend your partner....It was towards the end of the 3rd month of dating Asshole when we were lying in bed in my dorm room, after a nice romp around in the sheets, and he looked me in the eye and proposed to me. We had been talking about it a little bit, but really just in terms of "what ifs" and "one day" ....at first I wasn't so sure....to this day I still don't know why I said yes after only knowing him for 3 months, but I did. I think one thing that had a major impact on my decision was the fact that around Christmas I had found out that Andy (as I have discussed in my Butterfuly Bamboo Platforms post) was engaged and getting married in the spring...I was devastated....seeing as I still thought about "Maybe one day...we'd end up back together"....another thing that may have swayed my decision to say yes to Asshole was that, for once, I wanted to be taken care of instead of doing the caring for and Chris, the guy I dated before him, had not done that for me....
So, I was engaged at the age of 20 my sophmore year of college....Wow! It feels like another life time....
Anyway, I'm not really sure when the red flags started going up/signs were showing and why I didn't see them right away, but after a few months of being engaged, Asshole started to change...his knight in shining armor being a complete facade. I guess the first sign I should have noticed was when he started to insist on hanging out with his friends and kind of pulling me away from mine...he would say mean things about my roommate, who he didn't even know. And when I would defend her, which I would because she was one of my best friends and I don't let anybody talk to or about my family or friends in a disrespectful way, he would scream at me...we would fight. But every couple fights right? And Chris had done the same thing with my friends......so I guess I didn't really pick up on it. Slowly, without me noticing (or maybe I did notice and somehow was in denial, I don't know), Asshole's behavior started to get worse.
I'll never forget the night a group of my friends, Asshole, and I were on campus playing flip cup and other drinking games in another dorm complex. After a few hours, we were tired, so a group of us left, including me and Asshole. As we were walking to my dorm room, Asshole, knowing where my ex lived, ran across the complex, and kicked the door of his building, shattering the glass. Asshole then started belligerently yelling things, trying to entice my ex to come out and fight....I was shocked, embarrassed, ashamed! I should have broke up with Asshole then and there.....
After that incident, which I had to pay $200 to get the door fixed by the way, Asshole was restricted from campus grounds. Someone from my ex's dorm had reported him. Some nights I would sneak Asshole into my room and when security came by I would hide him in my closet...other nights I would have him pick me up at the back gate of our school and we would sleep in his car behind the Publix complex. II also was getting caught up in smoking pot with him and his friends a lot...which I had never done before. I was losing myself...who was I? Why...why would I do this to myself? Why didn't I get out of it then? I still think to myself. I knew that I deserved better...I don't know what went through my head those days, I don't know why I stayed with him...
It only got worse...summer came around and I was working for the Waterfront again. Asshole and I had been looking for apartments for him and finally found one in April. As I thought about my summer job, the idea came up to move in with Asshole for the summer.....If I didn't live on campus, I would be making more money because they wouldn't be taking living expenses our of my salary. Asshole begged me to live with him, saying that if I didn't he would be extremely pissed... so disregarding my parents advice, I moved in with Asshole in May.
In retrospect, what a bad idea! It was a shitty apartment in a not so safe area of town. But that's not what made me want to avoid it....the fact that Asshole had gotten more possessive, more controlling...that's why I didn't want to go home. He would accuse me of dressing like a slut when I went on interviews to get a second job (in order to have money for food for the both of us, as well as to take care of our cat and guinea pig), because I was wearing a nice fitting pair of black pants. He would accuse me of making eyes at our neighbors, when I was only being friendly. He would complain that I didn't spend enough time with him, when I was working two jobs to pay the bills and support us. Oh...and on top of that I was talking an independent Calculus II course and had a tutor to help me with it....he would complain about that too! He would let the laundry and dishes pile up and tell me I should do them...which was ridiculous, because he only had one job, as a cook at night. So he had plenty of time to clean up, but instead he was lazy. Instead, he'd invite his friends over after work and they would smoke pot all night and talk about idiotic things, while I tried to sleep in the other room, because I had to get up early to work.
I don't know how it started, but the tension started to grow, fights started to become more frequent and more violent in our apartment. When I got home, all I wanted to do was return to a pleasant environment, a sanctuary, where I could relax...enjoy spending time with my animals and my fiance before I had to go to bed. Instead, I was being constantly bombarded.... I remember returning home from my second job at midnight one day.....when I got home, I found Asshole on my computer, searching for something. Now, I'm not a computer person, I just know average things, like how to use Word, Excel, Powerpoint, etc...I don't know shortcuts, I don't know much...so when Asshole asked me why I still had pictures of me and my ex on my computer, and to my knowledge I deleted them all, I didn't know how they were still on there, saved way back in files. Asshole started calling me names, like "Nigger lover" and "Slut." He told me that I had a "Gaping Vagina," because I slept with so many people. He would say things like this all the time. And me, being the person I am, would not take that shit....so I'd start screaming at him...how dare he call me that! How dare he talk like that to me!
Soon, our screaming matches were intensified....Asshole started to do much more than emotionally abuse me. I started to hate coming home...I feared coming home....afraid that Asshole would accuse me of something else, question me about something, and then get so angry that he would hit me. There were several nights I feared for my life. Most of you, I hope to God for your sake, will never have to know the stress and utter apprehension of having to come home to that.....praying, "Please God, don't let me go to the hospital tonight," "Please God, let him be out when I come home or at least be in a good mood."
It made him mad when I would come home from my second job and be too tired to have sex with him....he would yell at me saying, "You are my fiance, you should want to have sex with me." Once, he trapped me against the wall and the bed, got angry, and then tried to pry my legs apart.....I cringed, remembering the time that I was taken advantage of in high school, and started to cry, begging him to leave me alone. He got so angry, he punched a hole in the wall. There were also times where I would start crying and he didn't want the neighbors to hear, so he would choke me.....once he left a huge bruise and scratch on the side of my neck. I took a picture of it, thinking it would be good evidence to go to the police with, but when he found it on my camera, I was subjected to even more pain. People at work saw that bruise, but they just joked about it, saying.."Well, we know what you do on your time off"...insinuating that I liked playing rough in the bedroom. I just laughed it off, 'Yea sure....' Nobody asked if I was ok, nobody noticed that anything was wrong....the neighbors who heard my cries didn't report anything....take this as a lesson. The only person you can truly rely on is yourself....
At this point, and I know you are all wondering this, I was trying to get out. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me....Why did I hold on for so long? There was no hope there...he always said he was sorry, that he would change...he promised that we would see a relationship counselor, but it never happened. He was never going to change. I used to look at the women form the shelter for abused women and children at my church back home, and think how could they let things get that far, why didn't they leave sooner. I couldn't believe that I was now in the same position...how did I get here? What was I doing?
I tried calling friends, co-workers...trying to find a place to move into...nobody would call me back and the people that did answer said that I could only stay there a week. That they didn't have the space....that they were sorry they couldn't help. I called the cops on him once, saying that he was suicidal and that when I had told him that I wanted to spend the night at my friend's house (instead of enduring his wrath) that he had gone to the knife drawer, pulled one out, and put it to his wrist. He actually did this several times...he was very manipulative. I would try to break up with him and he would grab on to my legs, sob, and then threaten to commit suicide. I actually had to wrestle a knife out of his hand once.
I know what you are thinking...call your parents! Why didn't you call your parents?! I didn't want to call my parents....I thought they would be ashamed of me, I thought they would be angry with me...I didn't want them to know what was going on. I didn't want them to think I was irresponsible....
I ended up making it through the summer with him, thanking God that I was going back to school...that I would be living in a dorm room again soon. Once I had moved into my dorm room, I knew it was time to end it. The last straw came one weekend when I was visiting Asshole. He and his roommates were sitting around, talking about something stupid like they always do, and I laughed at a comment one of them made. Well, Asshole, being an insecure prick, thought I was laughing at him and came out from the kitchen angry. He had butter on a napkin, which he smeared on my face. I got mad! I ran to his room and cried...and he came in and tried to "silence" me...aka I was being choked again....I thought I was going to die that day.
As soon as I got back to my college after that weekend, I went to a counselor. I told him I wanted to break up with Asshole and I wanted to know the best way to do it, so that he wouldn't commit suicide...I didn't want that on my conscience. He said "Just do it." So that day I called Asshole up...and I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that it was over, that he never really loved me, because you don't hit people you love....I told him that it's not about him anymore, it's about me! I told him that I was tired of being taken advantage of...emotionally, physically, and financially... I won't put up with this and that he will be punished for this by God....I told him he was going to hell! Then I hung up.
I had to change my phone number, because Asshole was consistantly calling me, begging for me to take him back. I finally told my parents what was going on...it felt pretty good to finally be able to confide in them. I was surprised, my parents were very supportive, very calm about the whole thing....The one good thing that came about from this was that my family and I really got close after. I wish I had told them what had been going on a lot earlier...maybe I wouldn't have been subjected to Asshole's torture for so long. I went to the counselor for a few months....thinking it might do me good.
Asshole was a constricting pair of knee high boots. The more and more I wore them, the tighter they got.....the more I felt trapped. I couldn't deal with the leather...it felt like it was cutting off my circulation, cutting me off from the outside world. I couldn't breathe...I didn't feel comfortable. Those knee high boots, they tricked me...they looked like they were made out of fabulous material, but in restrospect, that material was worn, damaged, and cheap.
I'm so thankful to this day that I got my life back....that I was able, slowly, to put the pieces of me that were shattered and lost back together. It's been hard....it still is hard....but eventually I became a whole person again. I'm so thankful I made it out of that relationship....I almost lost everything...myself, my friends, my family, my goals......
Thank you! Thank you whoever, whatever was watching over me...I am truly thankful!
I hope that none of you have to encounter a pair of knee high boots like this, but if you have, know that you have a friend right here....to talk about it with, to give you advice. And if you are in a relationship right now with a knee high boot like this, know that you can get out....you just have to have the courage.
Until next time,
Reaching for Reefs
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteSara said...
ReplyDeleteOh my God Reaching for Reefs, even now I had no idea how terrified you must have been to be involved in a relationship so abusive. I am so sorry I wasn't a better support system for you then and I am so happy you were able to have enough courage to end it.
I am always sympathetic to victims of Domestic Violence. People are so naive, thinking "hello, if you boyfriend/husband hits you, you leave them!" It's never, ever, that simple.
I love you!
I was just thinking that if you wanted to really know how I felt you should listen to the lyrics of Red Jumpsuit Aparatus' "Face Down."
ReplyDeleteFor instance this line:
Cover up with makeup in the mirror
tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
And these lines:
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."
One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It's coming round again.