I'm going to call this next guy Markus. Markus and I met one fateful night when I was in Rhode Island for the summer and my friends and I decided to go out to a nice restaurant. After dinner, we were then going to catch our friend's band's, the Bubblegum Villians, gig at a bar. I remember sitting at the restaurant, talking to my friend Sara, and wondering who is that guy over there with the blue eyes and brown hair...and why is he sitting next to her (this girl I highly dislike, due her tendency to be a complete whore and fake person). As a side noet, one of my pet peeves is fake people...I can't stand them. If you don't like me or have a problem with me, say it to my face instead of running your mouth.
Anyway, after dinner, we moved on to the bar. The Bubblegum Villians were pretty awesome....I remember dancing with Sara that night, doing some swing moves! It was one of her last nights in town before she moved to California to join her fiance at the time, Kyle. I got to meet her college friends...all of which were super nice! At some point in time, I wanted another drink and was tired, so I sat down at the bar next to Markus and ordered something. Markus and I got to talking and we really hit it off. I found out Markus graduated from URI with a degree in psychology, which really interested me, because I minored in psychology in undergrad! We also, somehow, got to talking about past relationships a bit, which is the time I found out that whore face (girl mentioned above) was his ex...ew! I don't know what else we talked about...all I know is that we had a good time and before we knew it our friends were telling us it was time to leave. Markus and I wanted to continue talking, so he gave me his number and told me to call him when I got home, which I did.
Later that week, we went on a date. It was such a cute date...I felt like I was in middle school again! We went to the beach for the day and then around sunset we walked into downtown Newport to get some dinner and ice cream! I had butterflies most of the time on our date and I hadn't felt something like this since literally I was in middle school...it was exciting! I remember on our way to downtown Newport, as we were leaving the beach, we saw a wedding. We just sat for a minute and I admired the beautiful bride and the way the sky looked....and I thought, just for a second, that maybe this was sign that Markus and I may be together for a while.
After dinner, we didn't want to call it a night, so we walked around Newport, like I always do with my friends. We may have even gone to Ryan's Amusements, but I don't remember. On the way back to his house, we were stopped at a street corner, and I remember staring into his eyes and thinking 'Kiss me damn it!' Markus said later that night when I was on the phone with him, that he was thinking the exact same thing and that my eyes were so big and beautiful...it was like he could see fireworks going off in them. Sparks were definitely flying between us and fast!
We ended up deciding to try a long distance thing. See, this is right after we graduated, and I was working that Americorps job I told you about at the prep school. He was still in Rhode Island trying to get a job. But we thought it might be able to work out because his mom lived in Dunedin, 45 minutes away or so from St. Pete, and he came down to visit her often enough. I came to RI for holidays and for long periods in the summer, so I was sure we could work it out. Plus, I could have made plenty other excuses to come home! So...we were official!
I was semi-infatuated I guess...I couldn't help myself! He was so sweet, he played guitar, he had that blue-eyed brow- haired combination I LOVE, and he wrote a song about me!!! I still have the lyrics to it in my sketch book:
"Under the glow of the street lamps, the light cramps his style, and he stops, thinks for a while...what will he do, what will he say, to make you stay...not walk away, is there a single word that is...the key.
What do you think he really is, another player boy, the ones that you avoid. Maybe you should see him in another light, maybe another sight will be before you, maybe you will see through, see all that he really is..
Cause here is a man, standing before you heart in hand...Reason abandoned, when will you look beyond the surface, Haven't you heard this all before."
The last line is my favorite. The first time he came to visit me, he brought his guitar and sang this to me, after me begging him several times....he was shy about his music, but it was great! I was falling and kind of hard!
The first time he visited me in Florida, he met my awesome roommates, we went to the beach, got Italian ice, I took him to a Rays game with good seats, and I think we went mini-golfing! It was a great visit! I think I saw him one more time in Florida, before things started to go south...
Long distance relationships were hard for him...I remember him telling me this. And when I asked him what was wrong or if he was happy, he would always reply that he wasn't unhappy, but he wasn't happy either. I remember writing him a cute poem that mimicked his song about us...about how I was happy to have found him. I also painted him a picture that depicted what his song was about and made a copy for myself:
After a few months of dating, things weren't looking up. I felt stupid for allowing myself to fall so quickly and hard for somebody...I was worried what would happen. We always had a great time when we were with each other, but the distance was just killing us. One night, when I thought things were coming to a head, I wrote this poem:
I'm so worried about me and you, thought I felt something new, No light seeming to shine through, and I don't know what I'm gonna do...
How do I make the pain go away, how do I convince you to stay, how do I make you forget the way...you feel about the distance?
Will we make it? Can you take it? Please don't break it (my heart). Will you work hard? Will I feel the need to be on guard?
I don't want to be broken again. I don't want to feel vulnerable and alone. I don't want to be more damaged and tainted.
I want to know this will work out...I want to not have to worry about...what you are thinking or what you might say, or if you will give up on us today.
I have faith, I can endure. What about you....are you unsure?
If you hadn't guessed already, Markus and I broke up. I felt horrible for a few weeks, because I thought I had that feeling...that deep down gut feeling that people talk about, when they say they met the one. My dad told me once that he knew after the second date that he was going to marry my mom and that's the kind of feeling I thought I had about Markus. Ah...but I guess that was just something else in the relationship department that I was wrong about.
Markus was like a pair of show stopper heels....you know the ones I'm talking about...The glittery, silver ones you wear to spice up a black or navy blue dress. You might also wear these kinds of shoes to a wedding if they match the dress! Well, that's what he was....he turned heads, or at least my head, for several reasons that included his personality, but also some physical features: as mentioned before, he had that blue-eyed, brown-haired combination. I think that is the best combination in the world and if my kids come out that way, I would be so pleased! He also played guitar and was in band in high school, but also an athlete (just like me!). He used to play baseball. Markus was also a romantic and a little bit sensitive, but not overly, which I liked. There was also one other thing that really turned my head, at first in fascination mixed with disgust, and then eventually I got used to it, so it was just more fascination....this would be the fact that he was uncircumcised. He was the first guy I ever saw and slept with that was uncircumcised, although I can't remember if I went down on him, because at the time, I may have been a little freaked out. It was interesting to me, this extra flesh. It made his penis look like it had a cape on it, or a sheath, almost....an extra layer of skin that was easy to move up and down. We took a few showers together and I know this sounds horrible, but I would watch him clean himself, just because I had never seen anything like it....A lot of people ask if sex feels different with an uncircumcised penis. I think it does a little bit...I think there is more skin to feel, more surface area, but besides that, I didn't notice too much of a difference. It's not like because he was uncircumcised, his penis was magical or anything! haha!
So, my show stopper and I...we didn't end on hostile terms. I'd still say hi and smile at him if I saw him in the street, but as far as being a part of my life...he isn't anymore. There were rumors that whore face was trying to steal him back from me and that may have been the reason he broke up with me, but I didn't really care about that and I still don't, although it does make me dislike her more. I hope my show stopper is doing well and that he finally has a career in psych. As for me, I'll keep searching for my perfect pair of Reefs or Tevas!
Until Next Time,
Reaching for Reefs
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